Jackie and Hyde

i'm going to start posting on here, because facebook is officially too popular. there are so many people on it now that you actually have to watch what you say all the time because most everyone you know is on it. gross. i miss when the internet was used mostly for me and my friends to chat and post useless shit. what happened to that internet?

When people tell you that it gets easier, they're wrong. I'm tired of feeling like this. I miss Tom. After two weeks of crying constantly, every day, I stopped. I didn't feel better, I just wasn't able to cry anymore. I would feel it all build up inside me, but nothing came out. And then today. I watched the movie the Bucket List, well I started it anyway. I had known the general premiss of the movie, two older guys with terminal illness make up a list of the things they want to do before they kick the bucket, hence the title. What I didn't know was that it was about two terminally ill cancer patients. In the first twenty minutes of the film they show what a cancer patient goes through, chemo, losing their hair, getting sick, and the scars from the surgery. And at this point I was gone, finished, I couldn't watch another 2 minutes of the film because I was a train wreck. And now, at 2:45AM, about 6 hours after I turned off the movie, I still can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see the scenes from the movie, just with Tom. I remember being with him in the hospital when he went in for treatments and surgeries, I see the scars, I see him without any hair, no eyebrows, nothing, I see him showing me the table full of pills that he has to take, the medicine that looks like paint, I see him barely able to get up off the couch, I see him weak in a hospital bed, I see him the day before he died, just barely alive enough to know we were there. I see the 7 years that we knew each other at all the worst moments my memory has. And now, as I look up at the AIM screen that I opened for the first time in months, and his screen name is online. Nothing helps. Everything reminds me of him, and most times I just get that sad feeling that I miss him, but now, because of that movie that I never should have even started I'm worse, because at least before I was only sad because I was remembering the best of him, now it's harder because I'm remember the worst. Because every time that I see something that reminds me of him, I see the scars, the hospital, the illness making the strongest person I ever met become so frail.

so its been like 6 months since i've been on here and i'm pretty sure no one even really uses lj anymore since it has been abandoned for myspace. but i'm going to post an update anyhow...since my last post life has been turned upside down...bean moved out and we stopped speaking for a while, my cousin max moved in for a while, and then i got so fed up that i started looking for a new place, my grandmother passed away at the beginning of last semester, work, school, work, school, between finals and working retail during the holidays i lost it and went on a two or three week drinking binge, i don't know if it was a productive way of dealing with things, but it worked, bean and i started talking again (i gave in and called her after about 3 months of silence because no friendship should be lost completely over both people being too childish to get past things), we threw my dad a 50th bday party, russell and i bought a house, and have moved in, he's a better roommate than anyone else could ever hope to be...life in general is crazy but not bad enough to complain about, i suppose thats the shortest and best way to explain everything since my last useless post, so there it is

i want a nap

so here's my five minutes:
life's too fucking crazy, i can't wait for today to be over because then maybe i'll stop stressing out so much.
so it's official, sara and i have moved in, i love the house and my roomie, regardless of how much stress it has added to my life lately.
the new job is going well, my coworkers are a lot of fun, although i'm still adjusting to no longer being in the restaurant business, its a good change, but there are definately days when i miss it :(
my uncle is gone, and i'm still not really sure how i'm coping with this, if i'm even coping with it at all, for the most part i've been too busy to even try to deal with the idea that i'll never see him again, which sometimes is probably a good thing, but it makes it all the worse when i do have time to think about it.
so right now, i'm in between finals. i was supposed to have 2 today and then my last one tomorrow, but because of the funeral i had to switch things around so i now have 3 finals today before i have to drive to cairo for a wake.
so after today i'm finally done with this semester, which should take some stress off my back.
my allergies are ridiculous this year, they've nearly put me into the hospital, so i finally have an appointment with my allergist who will probably tell me that there is nothing they can really do until i get tested for what allergies i actually have again, yeah right, and be off my meds for 5 days straight, fuck you too.
to everyone who thinks i've dropped off the face of the planet, i'm sorry, i'm just trying to get through things on a day to day basis, i'll reemerge soon, or at least i will try like hell.
i guess that's all for now... i need to study for the next exam and try to chill out for five minutes before i take it, maybe.

since when does the word "tired" mean that something is wrong? every time i tell anyone i'm tired lately i get the third fucking degree.
what's wrong?
i'm just tired
why are you so tired?
are you sick?
no
did you stay up too late last night?
no
is something wrong?
GOD DAMMIT WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FREAKIN TIRED?!?!
is that no longer allowed?
and ps, when someone says that they are tired, especially if it's me, they probably don't want to get questioned for an hour about it, they probably want to be left alone. so stop. if i say i'm tired, that's just it, i'm tired. it happens. i'm a freakin college student, we get tired, and quite seriously, lately i think i'm just getting tired from being questioned about every little thing.

i can't wait to move to glenmont, living here is starting to get to me...

so, i've figured it out. i've figured out why new york state passed a law banning talking on your cell phone while you're driving. it's not because they think that us new yorkers can't talk and drive at the same time. they know we can do that. it's because when a new yorker is driving, ninety percent of the time they are already doing at least three other things at any given moment: messing with the radio, drinking coffee (or whatever else), putting on their makeup, taking out a cigarette, lighting their cigarette, filling out a deposit slip for the bank, signing a check, reading a newspaper (yes i've seen that one before), eating a sandwich, looking through their purse or wallet for whatever is the hardest thing to find, etc. so it's not that they think that we can't handle to do something else while we are driving, it's probably just that they think we shouldn't be doing 6 things that are completely unrelated to the road while we are driving. in my honest opinion though, don't worry about the ones that are talking on their phone while they are driving, worry about the ones who are trying to text message while they are driving.

1. Go to Wikipedia and enter your DOB without the year.

2. List three historical events, two births and one death that happened on your birthday.

events:
1970 - American Motors introduces the Gremlin.
2001 - The first legal same-sex marriage in the Netherlands is celebrated.
2004 - The first legal same-sex marriage in the Canadian province of Quebec: Michael Hendricks and René Leboeuf wed in Montreal
(apparently my birthday is a good day for the gay/lesbian community)

Births
1815 - Otto von Bismarck, German politician (d. 1898) (i only recognize this name from animaniacs, i don't really know who he was)
1971 - Method Man, American musician

Death
1966 - Flann O'Brien, Irish humorist (b. 1911) -most missed thing about hartwick: navarette classes



ps. 225,000 bitches, beat that

so the news was on while i was eating lunch with my mom and grandmother, and they were talking about this girl from albany who is going to the NATIONAL COLLEGIATE ROCK PAPER SCISSORS TOURNAMENT. you've got to be fucking kidding me. seriously? rock paper scissors? this isn't something you compete in, this is something you do to decide who gets the last cookie. if there is no skill involved, it shouldn't be a tournament. period. end of sentence. but this isn't just a tournament, it's national. it's like getting together to have a national lotto tournament, it's a game based entirely on luck, no skill whatsoever. and it's an invitational. how do you get an invite to one of these? is there a recruiter walking around somewhere just looking for people playing rock paper scissors? walks up to you after you get your cookie, and says, hey, you should compete in the nationals. i don't get it. and the girl says, as far as her strategy goes, that when someone beats her one round with say, paper, then she'll do rock again the next round because they don't think that she will do it two rounds in a row. yeah, well they might not have thought that, until now dumbass, when you said it on the news! and on top of that, what other strategy exactly can you have for rock paper fucking scissors!?!? ridiculous.

so, i've decided instead of doing homework right now, i'm going to update my livejournal...being productive is my main goal today (ha ha)

i started work at my new job last week, i like it, it's a fun place to work. i'm currently a sales associate, but as of sunday i'll be promoted to the part time assistant manager position, which means more hours and better pay, so hurrah. things that i like better about my new job than my old one...1. i don't have to serve food all day 2. i go home smelling nice instead of smelling like food and needing to shower in order to stand to be near me 3. no more 13 hour days when i'm supposed to work 5 hours 4. it isn't making my body fall apart. so in other words, it's good.

the weekend was ridiculous. thursday night, went out with the birthday girl to bombers for her free margarita, then dropped her off at a bar and hung out with sara and caitlin for a bit. friday was gorgeous, caitlin, manda and sat outside and enjoyed the nice weather that is now gone and replaced by snow, got lunch, then i went home to check up on my poor russell who got stung by a bee (he's okay don't worry). then i got timmeh to drive me back up to albany for the party at sara's. manda got me a six pack of cider, we played the longest game of beer pong ever, did some birthday shots, some jello shots, a cosmo or two, went outside with the boys for a little bit, stole some of evan's drink, (none of this in proper order, but it all happened). then midnight came. manda made a speech, i turned 21, stole some of meek's beer because it was the closest alcohol to me. beyond that, life became a little blurry did more birthday shots and who knows what else, but that is what the video camera was for, i still have yet to watch the whole thing. i layed down for a little bit. then sara wanted to go to bed, so i got up, straight to the bathroom....slept til about 8 or 9, then woke up with the worst hangover ever. spent the first half of my birthday getting sick. lauren drove me home because she's the best. once i got home, well, got to scottie's, i managed to take a nap for a half hour then woke up as okay as i could have been. went to a hibachi for dinner with the family, john and courtney, and caitlin. my other birthday girl would have been there if she could have, but in that condition, food is not a good idea, especially food being thrown about and in your face. went to bj's and picked up alcohol, didn't get i.d.ed for 3 bottles of liquor. got i.d.ed for beer though. came home. sarah and emma came for my birthday, i was so happy i miss them so much. had a much more mellow night than the night before. i was very glad that a lot of the people i invited couldn't come, it would have been too much after friday. we played with a whole lot of toys, chilled out. it was nice. perfect way to end my birthday, instead of by paying homage to the porcelean (i definately spelled that wrong) god again. sunday, recovery day, went over to cheech's for a while, then went back to russell's, started a movie, and passed out til about 8 or 8:30, woke up and ate then went back to sleep by 10. it was a good 21st birthday, even though a few people i really would have liked to see couldn't come.

i got all my classes i wanted for next semester... i only have to go to school on tuesdays and thursdays, pretty freakin sweet.

so, that's it i guess, i'm sure there are 5829365874658297 other things to say, but fuck that. maybe i'll go do some homework